Less Than Par

So I'm not really sure what the theme of this post is gonna be...is it necessary to have a theme, really? My journal doesn't have themes. Which makes sense because days don't really have themes...so I guess my post is just mere reflection.

This has been a tough week. The fact that mine and Sean's room was a crazy explosion says enough about it because in the time we've been married so far I've never let it get that bad and not cared. Not caring about it was probably the biggest indicator that I was bummed out and burnt out. The day before Thanksgiving we found out that my mom had another tumor. It's a lot smaller than the first one, but it's also in a lot worse of a place. They were planning to do some really specialized radation, but then this week we found out that the MRI revealed even more, basically showing that there are probably lots of little pockets of cancer cells all throughout her brain that are interconnected and growing. Put simply, it's starting to take over. Not only was this devastating, it's just not what I expected. In August, my mom's MRI scan was completely clean. No growth. From day one of this unexpected and rigorous adventure for my mom, I always thought that she would have the best case scenario of everything--given the already crummy circumstances. But, this news definitely contradicted my mental expectations.

I just miss her. I miss her so bad it hurts. She's lost most memory and cognitive function all together, which implies struggle to do any everyday task. I feel like it's been sooo long since I've been around her as I really remember, because I only had about 3 months with her after my mission before she had her first surgery. And on top of that during those 3 months I was a little distracted dating and falling in love with Sean... so, take that for what it's worth.

The devastation of the whole thing makes me a little crazy sometimes. Some days are worse than others. It's hard for me to be at home because psychologically it's a constant reminder of the situation--and maybe it's in my nature to try to run away from my problems at first. It seems like I was a lot stronger of a person before I was a missionary. I grabbed the bull by the horns. But maybe that was only in my head, or maybe my trials were a lot easier... On the mission hard things were so hard because you had no option but to stick it out, even though every natural instinct was telling me to get out of it as soon as possible. It was a painful battle on those particularly hard days. And maybe this is sort of like that. I don't know really...

I love my Seanyboy. Somehow he is the one person that I can share all my thoughts and feelings with and not feel guarded, or like I'm going to be thought of differently because of what I say. I guess that's why we're married because I think he feels the same way.

The other slight bummer that happened this week was with my interview described in my previous post. The hype of potentially getting hired quickly faded immediately when I called on Friday and he told me that he would call me about second interviews in the middle of next week. So now I have to wait. Bummer. I also got denied by another company yesterday--I interviewed with them Tuesday before Thanksgiving... so that's over. But, the right one will be the right one. Maybe I just haven't found it yet, or maybe I have and they're still trying to decide. We'll see. I'm hopeful. Although Murphy's Law contradicts the following statement, but I don't think ALL things can TOTALLY go HORRIBLY wrong at once---however, a lot of things can definitely be less than par all at the same time. :) And after that they will just get better. Speaking of the mission again... when we would have something really diappointing happen, or someone really rude at a door I would always say, "We're being prepared for an awesome miracle." ... or something like that. I think that's true.

Final point of the day: I DON'T WANT TO DO MY HOMEWORK! Someone, or something, liberate me!! And that something is December 17th. My class official day as a student, and my first official day as a college graduate! I CAN'T WAIT! That's one thing I love about time. The thing you look forward to will inevitably come even if it seems totally out of reach. I think I'll leave it at that.